About Me

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I'm 26 and have been married to my husband for 3 years. I have an 8 year old step daughter that I love like she is my own. We have been trying to add to our family but my body just does not want to cooperate. I also have a physical disability and a medical history that could probably cover the length of a football field. This is the story of my struggles in the past, present, and hopes for the future.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

It's been a while...

Hi from my littlest most favorite buddy!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Vote for Eva, pllllease! Kissy faces!


Please! You can vote once a day :). We probably won't win but it's still fun trying!

And here's Santa pics! My mom and dad dressed up in their costumes they used to wear for events and families.

Best grandparents ever! 
(A friends baby)

Friday, December 13, 2013

Oh hay

I'm getting weady for my first Chwistmas!

I'm feeling much better and all I do is smile!

And now I'm 4 months old!

I've been trying to sit up, sleeping through the night and I'm eating baby food! I attack that spoon like a bird eating a worm :)

Thursday, December 5, 2013

What the fffff

As if things haven’t been stressful enough lately….this happened!  I’ve had a postpartum period and then I started birth control.  Well it ended up last time we were in the hospital for Eva’s acid reflux, I forgot my pills at home and missed 4 days.  So instead of doubling up, I just stopped all together.  I fully intended on calling in for more birth control but I just kept thinking that my insurance would say it’s too soon to cover it and well, I don’t ever have a regular cycle any way.  Chances of me getting pregnant without meds is next to impossible so who cares.  DUMB. DUMB. DUMB.  I fully admit that.  So I had a bad UTI right before we went into the hospital this past time, a majorly stuffy nose, and my oobs hurt.  Alllll the same stuff as last time.  I’m thinking it’s all a coincidence but need to just be sure since I’ve been on a lot of medicine lately for this virus/cold thing or whatever you wanna call it annnnd I wanna start a new pack of birth control pills so I need to test before.  Plus, when I went to the dr on Monday for my z pack she asked when the last time I had a period was.  I told her I couldn’t remember and she suggested I test.
Ok ok.  I gave away allll of my leftover tests to a friend after we found out so I needed to buy more. On the way home last night I stop at Dollar General.  I walk all over the damn store and finally find the spot where they’re suppoooosed to be and it says “please see front for pregnancy test.”  Really?  I MEAN REALLY?!?!  We live in a small town and these people saw me a bunch when I was pregnant and would always ask how Eva is doing now.  I don’t know why, but I felt embarrassed to have to ask because I knew they were going to look at me like ALREADY?!?!  I walk up to the front and see the stupid tests behind the counter.  I’m annoyed at this point and borderline enraged that I even have to ask.  My choices were slim.  Four different kinds…three were blue dye tests.  ::Face palm::  Those things get more false positives than any test out there.  NOT going with those!  So I only had ONE choice.  The cheap $1 pink dye test.  Fine, fine.  I don’t trust these that much but it’s a dollar so what do I have to lose.
I get home and sneak to the bathroom.   Richie and I had recently talked about how I should probably check but I didn’t want to freak him out because I knew it was going to be negative.  I peed then waited like 3 minutes because I really wanted to see Eva.  No line.  WINNING!  Picture below.  Thank you, lawds.  I don’t want to have another one for at least 4 years.  I want to be able to enjoy Eva!

So then this morning I wake up, take a shower, blah blah blah.  I went to grab something out of the cabinet that I left the test in and all of a sudden I SEE A MOTHER F N LINE!!!!!!!!!  ::rubs eyes::  W.T.F.  that wasn’t there last night and when I have any kind of negative test there is NEVER A LINE EVARGHHHH!  It wasn’t just a grey line either like an evap…there was pink!  ::faints::  ::gets back up::  ::faints::  WHY DID I ONLY BUY ONE CRAPPY TEST?!?!  So I take a part the test, as if this is going to make the line go away or something.  WRONG!  It makes me see it even more.  ::hold me::  This just can’t be right.  I shouldn’t even worry because this was like 10 hours after the negative.  But to be safe, I needed to buy a first response. 
Same test but I tore it out of the plastic.

I stop at Walgreens on the way to work and pick up a 3 pack.  No way am I leaving with just one in case I need to re-check this crap again.  The whole ride to work I’m thinking all kinds of stuff…No way do I want another one right now because I want to love on my baby..and just one baby at a time!  Richie would shit his pants.  We can’t afford it.  Daycare is expensive.  How would I even do 2 car seats at once?  I can’t carry a baby with a big belly.  I just lost all of my dang baby weight.  This crap better be negative.  And it went one and on and onnn.  Got to work and went straight to the bathroom.  Dammit!!  Someone is in here!  They’re gonna hear me go in the cup!  I flushed the toilet a few times so the lady couldn’t hear lol.  I set the stop watch on my phone and then I waited….  PLEASE DON’T SHOW THAT D LINE!  ::squeezes eyes shut::  ::creeps open one eye::  No line so far….woop woop!  Five minutes is up AND PARRRRTAYYYYY!!!  Such relief!  Negative BOOM!
I sent Richie a text after the fact.  I think he shit his pants anyway lol.  I’m getting my birth control on the way home tonight. Rawwwwr!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The whoop, the whoop, the whoop is on fie-yuh!

At work today we have the Business Continuity Planning meeting.  Basically it’s a plan they put into place in case some kind of natural disaster happens.  WELLLLL today’s call was about what we would do if an epidemic broke out.  F.M.L.  It was all about scenario with the H1N1 flu and how people are dying in all kinds of different cities.   The whole time I’m feeling guilty and thinking I’m spreading a whoop epidemic!  I’ve had a fever off and on (mainly at night), nasty cough, and yellow snot balls coming out of my nose.  You’re welcome!  I only have 3.75 days left of paid time off before I have to go un-paid.  Ain’t nobody got money fo dat! I’ve been popping my azithromyacin at work, blowing my nose like crazy (in the bathroom of course), and have been keeping to myself in my cube.  I know.  I’m a horrible person for going to work sick.  I always get mad at those people who do that.  I just can’t afford to use a day on myself anymore.  What if she goes back into the hospital?  I’d need those days to take off again.  I’ve even been applying my vicks on the regular.  My boss walked by my cube and asked my neighbor, “what’s that smell?  Is it nail poslish?  No.  What is that?”  Me, “Oh hay!  That’s mah vicks!”  He’s like, “Ohhh that IS vicks!  I love vicks!  I grew up on that.”  Me, “Me too!”  Him, “Did you know they have vicks cough drops now?”  Me, “Did you know they have vicks Kleenex?!?!!?”  Him, ::amazed face::.  Me, “That’s right.  Vicks inside the dang Kleenex.  Mind blown.”  He laughed haha.  So back to this BCP conference call and my guilt.  The whole time they’re saying things like “cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough” “wash hands frequently and disinfect your work area”…ok, yes, I do that.  Yes, yes.  Why am I feeling guilty?!

As soon as I got off the call, I immediately called her doctors office.  “Ummm hi. I know we are being super annoying by calling every day to see if you have the results but we kinda need to know if we’re spreading some sort of epidemic here.  I mean, she was back at daycare yesterday and we’ve been back to work.”  Nurse lady, “Yes, I see that you called yesterday toooooo..”  Look, lady.  If you had the potential of spreading some kind of virus that kills people, you’d be calling too.  Me, “Yes, I know.  I’m sorry.  Like I said, I don’t wanna be annoying but we just need to know if we need to notify people.  I know we’ve all had the antibiotic as a precaution but I’d still feel better knowing.”  Nurse lady, “I understand.  What’s your number and I’ll call to check with the hospital, then give you a call back.”  5 minutes goes by and she calls my work back, “Well it looks like the prelim test is negative!  It will take an additional 2 weeks to get the full test back but that’s a good sign with the first part being negative,” she said with her I-hope-this-makes-you-stop-calling voice.  ::sigh.of.relief.::  It’s seriously like a whoop has been lifted off our shoulders! 
I picked her up from daycare yesterday and she was so dang happy.  I finally have my semi-healthy baby girl back!  I’ve been crying happy tears, you have no idea.  She’s been so sad and sick for so long it’s been great to see her smile soooo much and talk for like 30 minutes straight.  When I say “talk” it’s more like “wah-ewww wah-ewww wah-ewwww” noises lol.  Her nose is still stuffy but it’s gotten better and so has her cough.  She spit up a crap ton yesterday but that’s normal with all the stuff she’s had going on.  It didn’t seem to bother her much!  I wish I would have taken more pictures yesterday.  She was all smiles.  Here is a video.
She's all "omgah, a bird!"

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Trust your gut!

Remember how I said my kid is always sick?  Well, my kid IS always sick!  It started last Tuesday when I had to leave work because I started running a fever.  Oh lawds, I got the zombie fevuh!  I’m going to turn into a walkuh!  I had chills and was freezing so I knew for sure I had one.  Went home to sleep and Richie said he’d get Eva from daycare.  So I’m all trying to sleep but can’t because of the stupid fever.  He gets home with her that night and SHE’S RUNNING A FEVER!  Daycare wrote down that she only had one pee diaper at 7:45 that morning and two diarrhe's in the afternoon.  She was there from 7am to 5pm.  One pee diaper isn’t normal and 2 dia’s is definitely not normal.  Richie was amazing and took care of her so I could sleep.  He kept reporting back into the bedroom that she wasn’t eating and all she wanted to do was sleep :(.  She had 1 oz before bed and that was it since 4:30pm at daycare.  She woke up around 2am so I got up with her and she took about 3ish oz.  Her normal is 4 or 5 once during the night time.  I woke up around 7:30 and she was still sleeping.  I woke her up to try to get her to eat and she wouldn’t.  She also had a semi dry diaper and a fever.  I knew we were going to need to go to the dr.  I called the dr at 9am when they opened and they said they couldn’t get me in until 12pm.  I told the girl I thought that was pushing it since she isn’t eating and seems dehydrated.  I asked if I should just take her to the ER and she said, “Go with your gut.  If your gut feels like you shouldn’t wait, then you shouldn’t.  He may or may not send her there.”
I went with my gut and took her to the ER.  I just had this awful feeling that something was wrong.  We got to the ER and went through the whole explaining symptoms, etc.  Took her temp and it was 101.4.  They put in an IV because she was in fact dehydrated.  Then they hooked her up to the pulse ox monitor that they stick around the foot/toe and her oxygen levels were fluctuating from 92 down to 81.  The dr said they like them to be at 92 or above so because she kept dipping below 92,  they needed to put her on oxygen.  She was breathing a lot with her belly and working extra hard to breathe.  I, of course, was fine until she needed oxygen and then I was a bawling mess.  Way to go, Mom.  Way.to.go.  She had more dia while we were there and again just kept on sleeping.  They took chest x-rays that came back fine and then ran yet another RSV test.  She just had one a few days prior to that which came back negative but since it had been a few days, they did another one.  On top of that they ran a full respiratory infection panel to see if she had anything else going on.  So while all the dr’s and nurses are out doing that, we’re just hanging out, me and her.  She was sleeping and I was playing on my phone.  Doop, doop, doop.  THEN!  Five people, nurses and dr’s, all came in wearing masks.  I’m like w.t.f.  Do I need one of these??  “What’s going on?”  Dr lady, “Ohhh we’re just taking precautions in case she has pertussis.” My wtf face. Perwhata??  “Pertussis, also known as whooping cough.”  Oh lawwwds.  I don’t know what that is but it must be another type of zombie virus.  “Sooo do I need a mask then?”  Dr. lady,  “No, no, you’ve already been exposed.”  ::face palm::  “So we’re gonna run the test but we don’t do the testing here.  We have to send it off to the state and because it takes a few days and with the holiday tomorrow, we may not be able to get it back right away.  We just plan on treating her like she has it.  If she does end up having it, she’s already on azithromyacin which is what we use to treat it any way.  We just have the get your address and info so the state can report it to the CDC as an outbreak and all of the dr’s and nurses in the ER will take an antibiotic to be safe.  We’re all carriers of it if she does have it.”  Geez.  Never thought we’d be an epidemic.  So long story short for the ER, RSV came back normal, labs were normal, but pertussis was TBD.  Even on the oxygen, her levels were dipping too low so they said we needed to stay.  I cried a lot more after that.

I googled whooping cough. It's actually a lot more serious than I ever imagined and makes me wanna cry even more. This is from the CDC's website:
“Whooping cough is very contagious and most severe for babies. People with whooping cough usually spread the disease by coughing or sneezing while in close contact with others, who then breathe in the bacteria that cause the disease. Many babies who get whooping cough are infected by parents, older siblings, or other caregivers who might not even know they have the disease.
About half of babies younger than 1 year of age who get the disease need treatment in the hospital. About 1 in 4 hospitalized babies with whooping cough get pneumonia (lung infection), and about 2 in 3 babies will have trouble breathing. Whooping cough can be deadly for 1 or 2 in 100 babies who are hospitalized.” Heart fail!

Night one of the hospital stay was awful.  I seriously aged about 10 years.  Ya know how colds, fevers, coughs, etc. get worse at night?  That’s an understatement.  Even with the oxygen, she was having major coughing fits (which btw, I probably should have mentioned that has been a major symptom for like the past month.  First it was croup but then it turned into a much worse cough and hasn’t ever gone away.  Hence the suspicion of the whoop.  WHOOP THERE IT IS!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist).  Anywhoop, her oxygen was all over the place.  She was going from 92 to 78 to 89 and the worst was all the way down to 46.  They said it was ok as long as she went back up before 5 minutes.  There was an episode that lasted a little bit more than 5 minutes when she went down to 46.  The monitor was beeping, flashing red lights, and the nurses came running in.  I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.  I kept saying, “breathe, Eva!  Breathe!” all while crying.  I probably looked like a crazy person.  Sorry, I’mnotsorry.  I asked what happens if she doesn’t go up after 5 minutes.  The nurse was like, “welllllll….” So I’m like, “Never mind.  I don’t think I wanna know.”  They bumped up her oxygen even more and we made it through the night.  I have gray hair now, but yes, we made it.


So that brings us to Thanksgiving, I think?  Richie had to work.  Since she may have whooping cough which is highly contagious, anyone who entered the room had to wear a mask.  They also said anyone with a weak immune system or who may already be sick, should not visit.  The nurse said we could have visitors but it was enter at your own risk.  That pretty much counted my Dad out.  He’s on the liver transplant list and can’t risk getting the whoop or any kind of virus.  Richie’s parents had visited the night before.  So it was just me and my Evasaurus until daddy got off work.  I couldn’t really leave the room unless she was sleeping and even then, I didn’t want to leave her alone.  I ran to the Ronald McDonald room in hopes of something good to eat but only found doritos and a coke.  I then had a pity party for us since it was thanksgiving and we were supposed to be going to my grandma’s for her to meet her for the first time, not eating doritos on a cold uncomfortable couch.  Wah.   Wah.  My mom ended up bringing up thanksgiving dinner in a cooler.  She ran it up while my dad was downstairs waiting.  Eva still wasn’t eating and on oxygen at this point and so we ended up having to stay another night.

The next days are really a blur and I couldn’t tell ya much of what happened on what day.  While all of this is going on, I had a fever off and on at night and lost my voice completely.  WOOOO lol.  They did an immunity blood test to see if she has a problem with her immune system.  That came back normal so they think it’s just a string of really bad luck to where all of the viruses are running together and she can’t fight them off or she does in fact have whooping cough.  She eventually began eating and talking to her panda nonstop.  She was like seriously singing to it for an hour lol.  Made me so happy.  The IV finally came out and the oxygen came off.  We were able to leave on Saturday afternoon!  As of today, we’re stilllll waiting to hear back on the whooping cough results.  She has so much snot up in there still and coughing a lot but she’s happy, eating, and no fever.
Moral of my long story…always trust your gut!  If you feel like something is wrong, there probably is something wrong.  And if there isn’t, better safe than sorry.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

IUI #3 Anniversary

IUI #3 was a year ago today!  I still have the receipt sitting at my desk.  Don’t ask me why I saved it.  I threw all of the other ones away but for some reason, I kept this one.

It’s hard to believe that this was my life.  I remember every detail just as if it happened yesterday.  It’s amazing to think that our little baby came from this.  I mean, she could have, or we could have done it all on our own since we did it around that time.  Either way, the meds helped and I would do it all over again if I had to.  I’m so happy for all that we went through and am so in love with my girl!
Blog post from that day:
Richie and I were lying in bed last night and for some reason he said, “omg what if you were pregnant right now.  They’d be a year apart.”  Me, “I’d seriously shit my pants right now if I was.  I haven’t had my period though and I messed up on birth control so I haven’t been on it but really, look how hard it was for us to get her.  But again, I’d shit my pants for real.  And keep shitting them.”  Him, “Oh gosh we’d have to take out a loan just to finish the basement to make room!”  Me, “What if it was a girl again?  You’d totally cry.”  Lol “No, just be disappointed.”  LIES!  He’d totally cry.  It was just a weird conversation and not like him to carry on about another baby.  Lord help us! I ain't ready. Give me like 5 years and then we'll talk.
He had to take Eva to the doctor again yesterday.  She had eye goop over the weekend which I thought was odd.  I haven’t ever seen it before so I started to lose my shit (I'm on a shit roll here, can ya tell?) thinking she got pink eye from daycare except her eye wasn’t really pink.  He texts me while I’m at work this picture of her goop and how she can barely open her eyes. I don't know about this stuff! 

  I felt awful!  I called the dr’s office and made an appointment right away.  She has seriously been to the pedi, GI, orthopedic, or ER every other week (or every week in some cases) for the past 2 months.  Poor kid just can’t stay healthy.  He text me that she is now 11lbs 13oz.  Yay for my chunker!  Time goes by and he calls me…Her damn ear infection hasn’t gone away and has now backed up into her eyes.  I had no idea it can back up into your eyes :(. It’s been 10 days and 2 different antibiotics but she still has it.  They gave us yet another kind of antibiotic and also tested for RSV since daycare sent home that paper and she has been coughing like crazy.  She projectile vomited literally 3 feet onto the curtains the other night because she couldn’t stop coughing.   That was a good time, let me tell ya.  So no we wait for the ear infection to go away and to see if the RSV test comes back positive.  I’m gonna bet money on it that she has it.  It’s a totally different cough than the croup cough.  Rawr. 
I feel like I always complain about her being sick.  She really is a happy baby most of the time and we have so much fun but these past few weeks have been extra rough on her.  We had fun over the weekend cuddling and reading llama llama red pajama!  I didn’t think to start reading books to her already because she’s only 3 months but the daycare sent home a progress report…kinda like a report card lol.  On it they wrote, “Eva loves having books read to her and looking at all of the pictures.”  I’m like WHUUUUT?!?  This is so cool!  I need to try this!  So I did and it cracked me up how much she looked at the pictures.  She loves llama’s like her mamma llama!

And here she is today in her turkey onesie I got on clearance for .75 when I was pregnant!
You can tell she doesn't feel good.